Tag Archives: Project 52

52.6 ~ love will be yours (amour sera la vôtre)

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Oh Valentine’s Day…

Everyone’s favorite holiday when, if you have a significant other, you are expected to lavish them with chocolate and flowers, and if you don’t, then you get to sulk about the fact that you’re alone.  I think it perhaps perpetuates the fears that so many single people have about what love is, and what it means to be alone.  Are we ever really alone though?

In this week’s song, Love Will Be Yours, I’m writing from the perspective of someone so afraid of love that they’ve separated themselves from it by a thousand miles and are suspended precariously looking over everything that they are missing.  A voice interjects to encourage this fear laden friend to be released into the unknown.

In my own faith journey, it seems that every time I try to prepare myself for love or peace or (insert what you’re seeking here), it never goes as planned and often doesn’t quite work out at all.  When I surrender, give in to the mystery, I’m always pleasantly surprised.

So, this song is a challenge this Valentine’s Day to look at love in a different way.  It’s not something that we can plan or manipulate, but rather something that we must trust and fall into.  And, despite what Hallmark movies tell us, it won’t always be pretty or sweet, but requires ongoing perseverance and patience even once we think we’ve obtained it.  And love might not be found in someone else, in fact it might just always be found somewhere else first.

LOVE WILL BE YOURS

I was on the brink
Balancing
On just a thread

Love was passing by
A thousand miles
Beneath my trembling tread

You said why are you afraid?
You said…

Your fears will only rise
The more you try to hide them
Cut the string
Cut the string
And as you fall
Into the unknown
Hope will restore
And love will be yours

I was a child
Reaching for a knife
Just out of reach

Suddenly I’d grown
And the world below
Had cut me

You said…

Your fears will only rise
The more you try to hide them
Cut the string
Cut the string
And as you fall
Into the unknown
Hope will restore
And love will be yours

Even if you could stay forever
Hanging from this tight rope over
Everything created for you
Why would you?

Your fears will only rise
The more you try to hide them
Cut the string
Cut the string
And as you fall
Into the unknown
Hope will restore
And love will be yours

52.5 ~ take me there (emmenez-moi là)

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The need for silence.  We are all inundated by media, noise, chaos, and words almost constantly.  At some point these channels become overwhelming and the need for silence is undeniable.  The problem is that when in this flood stage it might be impossible to even remember silence is the thing that’s missing.

Since moving to NYC I’ve had plenty of time to myself, but taking time for silent prayer and reflection is very different from just having alone time.  Silence, while seemingly the most simple thing, requires a great deal of attention and intention to accomplish regularly.  First of all, it literally won’t happen if we don’t plan for it.  We have to schedule it in so that it becomes habitual and routine.  Secondly, it might not work best for us where we think it will.  For some it might work best in a Church while others may be more easily distracted in such a space.  In their case, maybe it’s a bench in the park or a nook in their home.  Wherever it is, we have to think about utilizing that location to solidify our connection to silence.

When I was in Dubuque, my “place” was always at the piano – sometimes playing it to clear my mind, and other times just at the piano bench in silence, but that place marked something sacred for me.  Since moving here, the only piano I have regular access to is in my living room where the television and computer are, so it isn’t necessarily the greatest “place” for me anymore.  I also love to sit in my rocking chair to reflect, but it’s also in my living room.  I haven’t really found my peaceful spot here yet, which brings me to the inspiration for this week’s song.

Last week, I found myself with a friend rambling on and on and on, and I realized later that I had been word-vomiting all the things that would have been released or relieved in prayer or silence had I taken the time for it that week.  We carry a lot, some things that will inevitably have to be released in conversation or therapy or prayer, and other things that perhaps can’t be released, but that can only be relieved in silence or meditation.

There is something indisputably healing in silence.  Perhaps it’s God or something greater than us at work.  When I was writing this song over the weekend I thought about a library as a sort of sanctuary of the scholar.  I used this image as a metaphor for the mind and all that is shelved there, much that is being used, and much that isn’t or shouldn’t.    When we are able to empty the shelves, we enter into the sanctuary of silence, and that’s where I want to go.  Take me there.

TAKE ME THERE

Always a myriad of words
Floating round and round my brain
Volumes of triumph
And chronicles pain
Verses long and verses short
Waiting restless on my heart

Strip the shelf, start anew
I’ll script this one only for you
I’ve plagiarized my final prayer
Only silence left to bear
Take me there

Deliver me from this senseless noise
No rhyme or reason
Just the the echo of my voice
O!

Strip the shelf, start anew
I’ll script this one only for you
I’ve plagiarized my final prayer
Only silence left to bear
Take me there

Upon a lake, serenity
Where only stillness waits for me
Where sounds disperse and quiet rests
Peace from the chaos
Peace at last

With only silence left to bear
Take me there

52.4 ~ if my heart is sinking (si mon cœur est en train de couler)

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Raise your hand if you’ve ever struggled with despair?  Oh, everyone…right!

I recently went through a very mild case of such despair and while it’s no fun, at least it inspired this song!  I think the temptation when pulling oneself from despair is to divide and conquer.  We think that we have to be either 6 feet under or on top of a mountain.  If you can maintain the mountain high and not feel exhausted, good for you, but I think most of us try to hang somewhere in the middle.  I’m not talking about failure vs. success, I’m talking about despair vs. joy/happiness/balance/fulfillment.  But when we’re in despair sometimes we confuse what it is that will really make us better – not FEEL better – but what will actually make us better.  I certainly haven’t figured it out, but I know what doesn’t work – back to the divide and conquer!

Turning one’s life upside down may be in order at some point, but abrupt change or striving to obtain the world’s treasures probably won’t last in your heart of hearts.  The pain, the blame, the shame, whatever it is will still be lurking.

I think it’s important to address that we might actually be able to prevent despair in the first place.  I’ve always kind of cringed when I’ve heard the phrase “guard your heart” in the past.  Somehow it suggested to me a lack of willingness to dive into something or a barrier, but with age I’m realizing it is more about vigilance than about building a wall between me and everything/everyone I face.

I’ll probably say this a lot this year – you’re not in this alone – you have other people – and for many of us, faith to turn to.  Don’t use God as a crutch though.  He must be so sick of me waiting to come to him until the despair hits.  He must be like – “Hey – I was just here waiting to hear from you all that time…could have ya’ know, helped you through this in the first place, and maybe you wouldn’t feel like poop now…just saying…”  We/I need to build a lasting friendship with our faith.  How much time would you hang with a friend or watch tv, can you offer that same time to whatever it is that brings you fulfillment/balance/joy/happiness?

If My Heart is Sinking

I could brave the fiercest ocean
Claim this land, proclaim my devotion
Could replace this war with peace
But that doesn’t mean a thing
If my heart is sinking

I could make millions of dollars
Gain the wisdom of all the world’s scholars
I could taste a feast made for a king
But that doesn’t mean a thing
If my heart is sinking
If I’m drowning
If my heart is sinking
If I’m drowning

Waves crash, guard your heart
No time to save the shame
The blame you’ve harbored

I could pray with all my might
Stay on my knees til they bleed through the night
I could hang my past out to dry
But that doesn’t mean a thing
That won’t mean a thing
No, that’s doesn’t mean anything
If my heart is sinking

52.3 ~ my very self you knew (moi-même vous saviez très)

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Tomorrow, January 22, marks the 41st anniversary of the legalization of abortion.  In our nations capital hundreds of thousands of people will gather to march for life.  If you, like myself, are not able to attend, please pray or reflect from wherever you are about the beautiful gift of life ~ a gift that each of us was given.  At this time every year I am devastated to see the numbers of babies that have been aborted since 1973, nearly 60 million now.  There are so many statistics and debates to be seen or heard, but for the sake of this post, I only want to offer a psalm and a song.

Psalm 139 is one of my favorite psalms, and is particularly poignant as we remember the souls of the innocents – reminding us that God knew us and formed us intimately within our mothers’ wombs.  So too did he know and form the millions who were never born over the last 41 years.

For all those who witness for life.  For all mothers and fathers, especially those who are deceived into abortions and so often suffer their grief in silence.  And for all the lost innocents.

Psalm 139: 13-18, 23a

You formed my inmost being
You knit me in my mother’s womb
I praise you because I am wonderfully made
Wonderful are your works!
My very self you knew
My bones were not hidden from you
When I was being made in secret
Fashioned in the depths of the earth
Your eyes saw me unformed
In your book all are written down
My days were shaped before one came to be
How precious to me are your designs O God
How vast the sum of them!
Were I to count them they would outnumber the sands
When I complete them still you are with me
Probe me God, know my heart

MY VERY SELF YOU KNEW

Knit in my mother’s womb
Bones could not hide from you
My very self you knew

Wonderful your works
I will praise you, O God
Wonderful your works
I will praise you, O God

You foresaw my ways
As my days were shaped
Your mercy, worthy of praise

Wonderful your works
I will praise you, O God
Wonderful your works
I will praise you, O God

Know my heart, O God
Know my heart, O God

Knit in my mother’s womb
Bones could not hide from you
My very self you knew

52.2 ~ what you see (ce que vous voyez)

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So often we see ourselves for our flaws, our sins, and our shortcomings rather than the beautiful and innately good creatures we are.  A dear friend of mine recently said, “I wish you could see yourself how I see you.”  I’ve realized since that moment that not only I, but so many of us have delusional images of ourselves and not in our favor.  These delusions manifest themselves about the way we look and feel on the inside and out.  Not to discredit the fact that we do all have junk to work through, but how much easier would that work and achieving happiness be if we were able to see ourselves how we see each other or better yet how we are seen by God, who created us in his image and likeness.

Last night I was getting ready to go out with some friends to a delightful piano/karaoke bar.  I’m in need of a haircut and actually have an appointment this week, but in a moment of desperation I pulled out a hand mirror to initiate the doubled mirror effect to have a peek at the wildly growing hair on the back of my head, convinced that I might be able to do something to make myself at least slightly more presentable.  I even had a pair of scissors in hand to attack whatever I might find.  Not only did I find that it looked much less atrocious than I had feared, but as I looked into the eternal repeating images of the back of my head that appeared I tried to imagine each of these images appearing differently.  Perhaps the first might be my true presence, the second how God sees me, third how others perceive me, and somewhere much farther down the line what I’d expected to see of myself.  Then I thought – what would I see if I were able to place my heart in this double mirror.  How many images removed from the truth would my perception be from how God might see it.

I think it is easy for us to see beauty in others, in nature, or perhaps in God, but how are we seen? How much more beautiful might this world be if we were each able to see ourselves in this way?

WHAT YOU SEE

When I am calloused and coarse
You see me gentle and kind
When I am prone to dwell on sin and pain
You see me pure and clean
What do you see O God?

In Your sight
Consumed by your light
I am in awe
In your gaze
You count the ways
I am your child
A child of God

When I am searching and grasping
You see me realized
When I am hopeless and hollow
You see me full of life
What do you see O God?

In Your sight
Consumed by your light
I am in awe
In your gaze
You count the ways
I am your child
A child of God

If I could see myself
How you see me God
I would believe
Not only in your word
The stories that I have heard
But in what you see in me
What you see

In Your sight
Consumed by your light
I am in awe
In your gaze
You count the ways
I am your child
A child of God
You see me

52.1 ~ to save my life (pour sauver ma vie)

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Welcome to PROJECT 52 ~ my fearless attempt to write and post a new song and related reflection every Tuesday during the year 2014!  Here goes nothing…

52.1 ~ to save my life (pour sauver ma vie) 

Running away from our problems.  Works out great every time, right?  Why face our issues when we can simply uproot ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually and start over?!  …If only it were that “easy.”

I’ve struggled with this personally at times in my life, and have also witnessed it eating away at the lives of friends and loved ones.  In fact, I really think we all face this in some way.  “Running away” looks a lot of different ways for different people.  It might be manifested by giving up on someone without really getting your hands dirty to work things out.  It might mean moving to a new house or apartment to leave unattended memories behind.  It might also be about giving up on yourself, struggling to sort through burdens or setbacks and choosing to do nothing instead.

For those of us who are Christians, we believe that Christ is our salvation, but we’re not guaranteed happiness or fulfillment in this life by faith alone.  When I say faith in this context, I’m not referring to a well-practiced faith, I mean by simply believing.  Because of the world we live in, my generation and certainly the generations that follow might not find it hard to believe in Christ or God or a higher power, but incorporating that faith into a modern lifestyle complete with prayer, service, balance, charity, etc. is quite daunting.  Everything in the secular world is pulling on us to make money, become the most successful at whatever we do, find our literally perfect soulmate…and there is nothing wrong with these aspirations on their own, but collectively they take a toll.

I repeat, for those of us who are Christians our salvation is in Christ – BUT to know salvation and to invite salvation into our lives, the key is not to eliminate these aspirations of the world, but to insert moralistic and faith-filled intention into everything that we do.  To save my life I do have to make money, but how much and how do I spend it?  To save my life I do have to push myself to succeed, but at what cost, is it only for myself or also for others, and will I give up or surrender to falsehoods if I fail?  To save my life I do have to love, but who or in what ways?

These aspirations of the world are rooted in some kind of truth, but we have to tear away the layers of Hollywood magic, corporate kingdoms, and media circus to see that we can be outstanding in the secular world and in the interior life.  In fact, it’s this interior life of prayer, intention, and curiosity that allows us to achieve genuine happiness and fulfillment in these other areas of life.  We can’t run away from the world, but more importantly we can’t run away from our hearts, from the moral compass that guides each of us through love and life.

At Mass on Sunday evening in my parish, St. Paul the Apostle, Fr. Gil preached in his homily, “the longest journey we’ll ever take is in the heart.”  This speaks intimately to what I’m trying to get at here.  We so often think that changing something outside of us will generate a solution to our longing, and yet the voyage to fulfillment can only be achieved within us.

The disclaimer to this whole reflection is that change is obviously not always a bad thing. In fact sometimes we desperately need change.  So my point is really to caution against the kinds of change that are not well discerned or that disguise themselves as solutions in and of themselves.

Finally, the good news is that we don’t have to do any of this alone!  While it happens inside us, we all have friends, family, or support, whether we utilize them or not, to help inform and guide us along the way.  Let’s help each other this year to dig through the messiness of life, to dive into our hearts, to live with intention, to express our love for each other, and to make changes that are prayerfully discerned.

TO SAVE MY LIFE

Dry in the desert falter you may
Drenched in the ocean your guilt will stay
Pick up that shovel, dig through the earth
Dive ten times deeper, there lies your worth

You may wander the darkest trail
Through the night to no avail
Makes no difference where you may roam
Can’t change your heart by changing your home

Your life in rubble, scattered and gray
Your love misguided, used and displaced
Live with intention, extend your hand
Love your brother, give up the plan

You may wander the darkest trail
Through the night to no avail
Makes no difference where you may roam
Can’t change your heart by changing your home

So I will stay and I will dig a little deeper
I will stay and I will dive, I’ll dive
I will pray and I will live with intention
I will pray and I will love to save my life

You may wander through the night to no avail
Makes no difference where you may roam
Can’t change your heart by changing your home
Can’t save my life all on my own
Can’t change your heart by changing your home

PROJECT 52!

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It’s a new year!  2014.  Imagine the possibilities…

I haven’t posted here since my first post back in September.  I’ve struggled with not only what to write about, but also finding the motivation to do so.  I’ve never been the type to routinely post on facebook or twitter about my regular goings on because part of me can’t comprehend why anyone would want to read about my daily walks through Prospect Park, finding part time work doing content migration for websites, binging on Broadway shows and movies, eating and drinking my way through the city or my travels to Vermont, Washington D.C. and back to the midwest for Loras Homecoming.  It’s not that I struggle with self-esteem or thinking that people don’t care what I’m up to. Rather, if I’m going to commit precious time to posting here I want it to be meaningful for me as an artist and for you, the viewer.

As I reflected on the new year and what kind of resolutions I might develop, I thought a lot about my mission in moving here to New York ~ allowing myself the space to be creative.  I have certainly taken a great deal of time since I’ve moved here to do just that, but 2014 provides a new and empty frame to the canvas of my creativity — a way to measure my growth or commitment to this lifestyle.  I spotted a new trend on facebook of people posting a photo every day of the year, perhaps of things that the individual is grateful for, or just to document a year in the life.  I was attracted to the idea and will certainly be viewing others photo journeys, so I considered it for myself, but it fell short.  I wanted to do something that would really push me to be creative in a way that would not only measure growth, but really aid and cause growth.

As a songwriter, there is something to be said for waiting for inspiration to strike, but as a craft there comes a point when you have to be proactive in creating, a point when you have to seek out inspiration.

Introducing…PROJECT 52!

photo-3

This year, I’m challenging myself to write a song and a related reflection every week and post it here at chanteurville.com on Tuesdays.  In doing so, I hope to not only push myself as an artist, but to inspire many of you to go after cultivating the gifts that you possess and to share them.  It’s easy for me to sit here and write happy songs or sad songs or songs about the weather, but what good are they if they live only in my Park Slope living room.  Sharing is the key.  I want to approach this year with fresh eyes and ears, ready to read, watch, and listen to new things and in new ways. I hope you’ll join me.

It all starts tomorrow – Tuesday, January 7!

1/52: pour sauver ma vie ~ to save my life