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Running to You

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Three years ago I was living in Iowa, working in an amazing job with wonderful co-workers.  I was surrounded by amazing friends and a support system most people dream of.  I owned a house and a car and for the most part wanted for nothing.  However, there was one piece of my heart that was being left unattended and ultimately, despite many reasons that I expressed to the masses, led me to move away from it all to New York City.

To be honest, these some odd years later — I wasn’t really moving to New York to pursue a grad program or to “give myself creative space,” although that was closer to reality.  In fact, I had prayed and discerned for several years, on my own mostly and also with a couple close friends and confidants, about what form love might take in my life.  I was a Catholic man who happened to be gay, working for the Church in many different capacities.  No one ever said to me along the way, “you aren’t allowed to date men and work here.”  In fact, I know that many of my colleagues and friends would have been happy for me or open at least if I had found someone there.  But ultimately, weighing my own beliefs and what I felt was best for the student population that I worked with, I never allowed myself to be open to dating.

The problem for anyone who feels called to something and resists that call or hides that part of themselves is that the energy devoted to this ends up being redirected for better or worse. Long story short, I wasn’t proud of who I was away from my friends and the people I loved in Iowa.  After years of trying to make it work, I decided that I had to run away from a beautiful life for a life that at the time seemed scary and unknown.  Simply stated, I left Iowa to find someone to love.

Fast forward to today.  Beyond my wildest hopes or expectations, I found an amazing Catholic Church and parish community in New York with a ministry devoted to LGBT folks.  I found a young adult music ministry where I was able to share my gifts.  And from those ministries, a wonderful man found me, who is now my husband.  Through all of this, I have found a deep peace with the intersection between who I am and the living out of my faith.  No longer do I sing in front of the masses thinking, “if only these people knew who I really was.”  Instead, I live my life with all of myself expressed outwardly and openly.

Despite all that New York has offered Adam and I, we have decided that it’s time for us to find a place that better fits the needs of our future.  We want to adopt and raise a family.  We want to be closer to family.  We want to be in a better place to individually cultivate and flourish our careers.  We decided that we’ll start the search for our future in Nashville, Tennessee this July!

The feeling that I had 3 years ago of “running away from” has been transformed by the grace of God into a distinct feeling of “running to.”  HERE I COME!!!

Enjoy this new song, RUNNING TO YOU.

 

RUNNING TO YOU

I was young and naïve
Didn’t know what to believe
Desperate for one to love
My heart got tied up
 
I was set in a dream
But I got cold feet
That was then, this is now
It all happened so fast somehow
 
You were always waiting for me, O God
 
This time I’m not running away
I’m running to You, I’m running to You
This time I’m not running away
I’m running to You, I’m running to You
 
Squandered more than I gained
And called it living
Splendid on the outside
But within I’d died
 
Tension built up
Rising in my gut
So I fled, so I flew
What else could I do?
 
You were always waiting for me, O God
 
This time I’m not running away
I’m running to You, I’m running to You
This time I’m not running away
I’m running to You, I’m running to You
 
Whatever noises, voices call
Whatever forces cause me to fall
I’m headed straight for you, O Lord
I am free to choose
 
This time I’m not running away
I’m running to You
I’m running to You, I’m running to You
I’m running, I’m running
I’m running to You
I am running
I’m running to You

 

At the Lullwater Bridge

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I’ve been away from here for quite some time (almost TWO years!).  When I last posted I had just fallen in love and shared several songs about what that looked like at the time.  Many things have changed since then, but Adam has remained a constant throughout.  On September 20, 2014 we were married in Prospect Park, Brooklyn in a simple, spiritual, and beautiful ceremony.  On that day we met our guests in the middle of the park at a lovely spot, the Lullwater Bridge, which sits next to the boathouse and is just steps away from where we committed ourselves to each other for the long haul.

I’ve written MANY songs over the last couple years and plan to start sharing again here regularly!  This is the first I’ll share.  AT THE LULLWATER BRIDGE — Ultimately it’s an intimate song, remembering the joy and beauty of our wedding day.  Looking deeper, it’s about places that serve as mental benchmarks for us along the waters of life.  When things feel tumultuous and stormy or stale and dry, where do we look for peace, and who might dwell there in remembering?

AT THE LULLWATER BRIDGE

Baby, you know my heart like the back of your hand
You feel it racing before I have a chance
To show you how your love moves me
Like a river it flows and the deeper it goes
I wanna go back to where it all began

So meet me at the Lullwater Bridge
Let’s walk over the memory again and again
Meet me at the Lullwater Bridge
We’ll rejoice in the day our lives forever changed
At the Lullwater Bridge

Sometimes the tide surges in and swallows the shore
It can feel like the end, but I know that there’s more to be seen
It’s hard to believe
If you’ve gone out to sea you know where I’ll be
Yeah, right back where it all began
 
So meet me at the Lullwater Bridge
Let’s walk over the memory again and again
Meet me at the Lullwater Bridge
We’ll rejoice in the day our lives forever changed
At the Lullwater Bridge
 
When the currents rage and pull us down
Just remember the words we vowed
I will be true through shine or storm
And I’ll love you evermore
 
Meet me at the Lullwater Bridge
Let’s walk over the memory again and again
Meet me at the Lullwater Bridge
We’ll rejoice in the day our lives forever changed
At the Lullwater Bridge
 

New Post Delayed

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Hello!

I came down with a cold/sore throat this week, so I’m waiting to record the song for this week until my voice is healthy!  Can’t wait to share the new song with you.  It’s about a man in the park.  🙂

David J.

New Song – tomorrow!

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Hello wonderful people!!!

On this beautiful 65 degree day in NYC I was inspired by the simplicity of nature while walking/running in the park and listening to this song!  Sara Bareilles is one of my favorite artists and so I decided to do an a cappella song for this week, which is requiring lots of extra recording time.  Once again I’m sure the little ones are asleep in the apartment above me so I’ll finish tracking this tune tomorrow and have it up for all of you.  I think it’s going to be called “My Only Desire,” but I might change my mind!  So for tonight click on that link above and enjoy Sara’s inspiration to me!

🙂 David J.

52.9 ~ looking in the mirror (regardant dans le miroir)

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Happy Fat Tuesday!  Lent is literally just around the corner!  In fact, by the time you’ve read this it may likely have begun!  To me, Lent is a time to look inward – to peek into ourselves in a way we might not take the time to do throughout the entire year.  But what’s more important than looking inward is what comes out after the fact, right?  If our Lent is all leading to Jesus dying, being placed in the tomb, and RISING – then surely there is something that’s meant to RISE from us as well.  Perhaps this reflection is coming 40 days too soon, but I’d like to think this is about helping give ourselves purpose during this penitential season.  There is a quote that is often attributed to Nelson Mandela, although it you research online you will find there is a lot of debate over it and that it more probably belongs to a Marianne Williamson.  I don’t care as much about who said it as what it says…

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Lately I’ve got an itch of sorts.  I feel all this potential bubbling up inside of me, and it sometimes feels like there is nowhere to let it out, nowhere to set it free, nowhere to let it gleam.  I think when we get over ourselves and start pouring ourselves into others, it happens naturally, and I’ve been starting to feel that too.  We talked about this all the time at my alma mater, Loras College.  Share your gifts, let your light shine, become the best version of yourself.  What’s most exciting is that not only I become more free, but those around me as well, and vice versa!  This is a great way to start your Lent.  It’s not about us, but about all that we have to give over!

LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

Standing here
Looking in the mirror
There is a fire
Buried in my eyes

A holy light
Meant to shine
It’s burning bright
But it’s tucked inside

A prisoner
With no escape
My very joy
Condemned to the stake

O happy song
Hidden too long
Be released
O glowing beam

Let it out!
Set it free!
Let it gleam!

The masquerade
Too long I’ve played
Will dissipate
When I can say

I am a light
I’m meant to shine
I will burn bright
This is my time

Let it out!
Set it free!
Let it gleam!

It’s easy to wait
To hesitate
To allow fate
To dictate
The path to your dreams

Let it out!
Set it free!
Let it gleam!

Standing here
Looking in the mirror
There is a fire
Buried in my eyes

une fenêtre ouverte ~ an open window

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On this crisp autumn day I sit in my refurbished antique Iowa rocking chair peering out an open window at 11th street here in Park Slope, my quaint Brooklyn neighborhood which spans the longitude of Prospect Park, characterized by streets of classic Brownstones lined with various species of trees and avenues spotted with every kind of ethnic restaurant, local grocers, laundromats, boutiques, churches, hospitals, pharmacies, and almost anything you could imagine.  The charming landscape certainly wouldn’t be complete without the people.  The people are as diverse as the surroundings – many young children (this neighborhood is apparently the hotspot for all pre-collegiate education in NYC), young parents, lots of trendy artist types, the middle aged and elderly, native New Yorkers and transplants alike, and even a few celebrities such as Keri Russell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Steve Buscemi, and Patrick Stewart to name a few.  A description of lifeforms circa my humble abode would not be complete without mention of the endless pigeons and squirrels in the park, and the dogs.  Lots and lots and lots of dogs.  For Bella, my 10 year old lab mix, we could not have landed anyplace more qualified as a mecca for canines.  I have been surprised by how many varieties can be found here, tiny dogs and HUGE dogs and every size and shade in between.  Even more surprising than all the mutts and purebreds one might find here is the fact that if a business doesn’t serve food (beverages not included) dogs are welcome!  Needless to say, two nights ago Bella got to hang out with her friend Maddie, Jenny and Luke’s dog, in a BAR – and they weren’t the majority of pooches on scene that night!  There will be more on these hairy creatures in subsequent posts, I’m sure.

The sounds of sirens, honks, barks and chatter outside this open window make me nostalgic for a different perch altogether.  I long for the familiar faces and noises that passed not long ago under my bridge office which connected Keane Hall, the first residence hall I occupied at Loras College to Christ the King Chapel, my place of prayer and labor over so many years.  Over those years I saw many gifted and cherished souls move under this passageway, and so often I would offer a wave and a smile, sometimes knocking on the windows to get your attention, sometimes throwing the window open to serenade a friend or unsuspecting victim or to call out with the joy that this wonderful place had brought to my life.  Today, I’m quiet, remembering.  What I remember the most are not the gestures that I extended to those who passed through, but rather the pure love and affirmation which those travelers returned or offered, even the violently pitched snowballs which would result in my unsuspecting fright!

And from that space in the bridge, like ripples in water, I encountered beauty in the relationships that made all the labor and all the personal strife not only manageable, but worth it.  After all, I’m talking about the place where I’ve spent 99% of my adult life.  The place where I first fell in love.  The place where I almost died of grief.  The place where I developed the most precious lifelong friendships.  The place where I lost my faith and where I was led back to it.  The place where I was beat down and picked back up, where I was supported and held up and encouraged to be the best I could be.  The place where I learned to sing, to really sing.  I didn’t do anything on my own.  Okay, I had to do some essential things on my own, but it was almost always because someone else inspired me to do so.

The air here in the Slope, as it is affectionately called, is so chilly today that it bites, so as I wrap myself to stay warm by this window, as I am embraced by physical warmth, my heart is on fire with gratitude for all those who I have left behind, and for all those who moved on from Dubuque over the years as well.  I do realize that I’m one of so many who have moved on, and so I join the masses of dispersed Duhawks whose collective spirit is felt most tangibly in the halls and walls of Loras College as many continue the work of educating minds and enriching spirits for the future.

When I imagine categorizing my gratitude by students, staff, faculty, and friends, I realize that it’s all really the same – these titles can simply be categorized as my Loras family.  Some of you were there through it all.  Some of you knew me for what now feels like an instant and then you were gone.  Others had only just arrived and started to learn my many quirks and bad habits before I made the leap.  Yet somehow, I can’t think of someone who I wouldn’t feel comfortable calling part of my family.  What a gift!  A true gift!  Perhaps we had scuffles or disagreements along the way, but what family doesn’t.  Ultimately I think we always wanted and continue to want the very best for each other.

For me Loras College was and remains – une fenêtre ouverte – an open window.  A place built on hospitality, a welcoming spirit, diversity and faith.  A place exposed to the elements of changing economy, social trends, and differences of opinion.  A place where one feels secure, but constantly being prepared for something greater, and when that time comes – a place where one is missed, but empowered to pursue his or her dreams with the great assurance that they are always welcome back.  Merci fenêtre ouverte.

The following pictorial video is set to a live recording of the traditional hymn How Can I Keep From Singing, arranged and performed by Cassandra Koetz and I.

With love for all those who I encountered because of my time at Loras College…