My song and reflection this week are simple really.
Who or what in my life helps me to focus on the ultimate prize, the love of God?
Who or what helps me to honestly say, my only desire is to abide with God?
MY ONLY DESIRE
Suddenly
I’m alone with you
And I can’t imagine
How my heart beat beforeNow my hand is steady
And my eyes are fixed
On the prize we can’t hold
But believeAnd no matter the storms
We will face; will endure
My only desire
Is to abideWith God
Hello wonderful people!!!
On this beautiful 65 degree day in NYC I was inspired by the simplicity of nature while walking/running in the park and listening to this song! Sara Bareilles is one of my favorite artists and so I decided to do an a cappella song for this week, which is requiring lots of extra recording time. Once again I’m sure the little ones are asleep in the apartment above me so I’ll finish tracking this tune tomorrow and have it up for all of you. I think it’s going to be called “My Only Desire,” but I might change my mind! So for tonight click on that link above and enjoy Sara’s inspiration to me!
🙂 David J.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Lent is literally just around the corner! In fact, by the time you’ve read this it may likely have begun! To me, Lent is a time to look inward – to peek into ourselves in a way we might not take the time to do throughout the entire year. But what’s more important than looking inward is what comes out after the fact, right? If our Lent is all leading to Jesus dying, being placed in the tomb, and RISING – then surely there is something that’s meant to RISE from us as well. Perhaps this reflection is coming 40 days too soon, but I’d like to think this is about helping give ourselves purpose during this penitential season. There is a quote that is often attributed to Nelson Mandela, although it you research online you will find there is a lot of debate over it and that it more probably belongs to a Marianne Williamson. I don’t care as much about who said it as what it says…
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Lately I’ve got an itch of sorts. I feel all this potential bubbling up inside of me, and it sometimes feels like there is nowhere to let it out, nowhere to set it free, nowhere to let it gleam. I think when we get over ourselves and start pouring ourselves into others, it happens naturally, and I’ve been starting to feel that too. We talked about this all the time at my alma mater, Loras College. Share your gifts, let your light shine, become the best version of yourself. What’s most exciting is that not only I become more free, but those around me as well, and vice versa! This is a great way to start your Lent. It’s not about us, but about all that we have to give over!
LOOKING IN THE MIRROR
Standing here
Looking in the mirror
There is a fire
Buried in my eyesA holy light
Meant to shine
It’s burning bright
But it’s tucked insideA prisoner
With no escape
My very joy
Condemned to the stakeO happy song
Hidden too long
Be released
O glowing beamLet it out!
Set it free!
Let it gleam!The masquerade
Too long I’ve played
Will dissipate
When I can sayI am a light
I’m meant to shine
I will burn bright
This is my timeLet it out!
Set it free!
Let it gleam!It’s easy to wait
To hesitate
To allow fate
To dictate
The path to your dreamsLet it out!
Set it free!
Let it gleam!Standing here
Looking in the mirror
There is a fire
Buried in my eyes
I debated a lot over the last couple days how to approach this post and decided to simply write from the heart and with transparency.
It hasn’t been an easy journey for me in the Catholic Church. I came out for the first time in high school to my friends and even to my family. It wasn’t a big deal to me, and it wasn’t life changing. I went on with life single as I had been for the most part before and still without participating in sex itself. My coming out was simply to say, I’m attracted to men, and so it frustrated me when I began being persecuted by Catholic peers who were acting on their heterosexuality when I wasn’t even doing gay acts. I have to say that those who persecuted were far less influential than the many Catholic friends who maintained their loyalty to me as a friend and remain in my life today. See, my faith was always more important to me than my sexual identity.
For the sake of some kind of brevity I’ll skip past the horrific details of a time in my life when sexual acts with men did occur and when I was consumed by sinfulness, but it is important I think to know that that time did happen for me. I think it’s also important to note that this time was not about finding a partner, someone to share life or love with, it was rooted in the sexual act and a great deal of selfishness.
Throughout all the ups and downs, there was a divide in me because of my Catholic faith and it’s teachings. I understood what the Church taught, but never felt like I could be open about every part of myself and at the same time lead retreats, cantor for Mass, or eventually run liturgy. Not a single person ever said to me, “if you are ________ you can’t ________ ,” but I did that to myself.
I was pleasantly surprised when I moved to New York and started the hunt for a parish community that fit my needs as a Catholic and gay man that there were several churches with a gay presence. I landed at St. Paul the Apostle parish where there is a whole ministry, Out at St. Paul, devoted to Catholics who identify as gay or lesbian. To be honest I was initially leery of participating in the group because I carried a self-made stigma from where I’d come from, but through natural friendships in choir became more involved.
This past weekend I had the privilege of going on retreat with 50 gay and lesbian men and women and I was confirmed in my hope that these men and women were of deeper faith than I could have imagined. It was a really powerful experience being with so many courageous people who have experienced similar struggle, discomfort, and pain, but also similar hope, faith and love. The reason I had to explain all of this is leading to a story.
The priest who was with us on retreat shared an account of a Sunday 5:15 Mass back at our parish when a drag queen was passing by the church before Mass started. She asked Father if she could have a look inside, and he of course agreed. She came back out and said, “Father, there are people like me in there! Can I really be here? Can I stay?” Father let her know that it was absolutely okay for her to be there and so she went back inside. When Father came inside the church to process in for Mass, he noticed the queen hiding behind a statue of Mary and Jesus in the back of church, crying.
The average Catholic can walk in almost any Catholic church in the world and feel welcome or worthy of being there, but this drag queen hadn’t felt welcome in a church in a very long time. I think it’s what Jesus would have done, so that’s the kind of parish community I want to be a part of. And I want to be a sign of hope to all of God’s children. Will you join me in welcoming the whore, the homo, the wretched, the rebel, the queen, the thief, the outcast and the priest?
I am very open to discussing this whole topic further, but for now ask that you contact me personally. Enjoy this week’s song, The Kingdom.
THE KINGDOM
When we die
And are born to new life
When we arrive
On the other side
Within a beautiful palace
Who will surround the throne?The whore and the homo
The welcome guests
The wretched, the rebel
Counted among the blessed
The queen and the thief
The outcast, the priest
A colorful kingdom
That’s what I see
The kingdom I believeIn this life
When the enemy strikes
Hold on to hope
And don’t let go
Although we’re still not home
It’s a comfort to knowThat the whore and the homo
Are welcome guests
The wretched, the rebel
Counted among the blessed
The queen and the thief
The outcast, the priest
A colorful kingdom
That’s what I see
The kingdom I believeThere is room enough for all of us
In the house of God
There is room enough for all of us
In the house of GodThe whore and the homo
The wretched, the rebel
The queen and the thief
The outcast, the priest
A colorful kingdom
That’s what I see
That’s what I need
That’s what I see
The kingdom I believe
It’s the eighth Tuesday of the year, and I knew this would happen eventually! The song of the week is written, but it’s too late to record it in my apartment which is directly beneath a couple sleeping children! Tune in tomorrow to hear 52.8 ~ the kingdom (le royaume).
Sorry for the delay!
Vices! They aren’t the most fun thing to talk about, but they might just be loaded with connotation in our lives. There is a famous quote from Fr. Pedro Arrupe that I was reminded of last week in Bible Study that says,
“Nothing is more practical than finding God, than falling in Love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, whom you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in Love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”
I think what this quote implies, but doesn’t say, is that vices can work in quite the same way – affecting everything, obviously not for the better, but seeping into our interactions with others, what we do, read, eat, and look at. Vices are the toxic counterpart to the love that Fr. Arrupe is talking about.
We all have struggled with different vices, but one thing connects them all, they are deceptive. They usually deceive us into thinking they are good for us, that they will make us feel better, or that they are true. I think magic is a wonderful metaphor for vice, and therefore explored that in this week’s song, Abracadabra (It Wasn’t Magic). Vices and magic both imply something dark or mysterious, perhaps something we’d rather hide. There is a truth that exposes the trick or reveals the error in our ways. When that truth prevails over vice, there is a freedom that can’t be denied, a light that permeates our days. I wanna live like that, how about you?
ABRACADABRA (IT WASN’T MAGIC)
You were my only friend
My lonely enemy too
I was needy, greedy
And you were thereConcocted a holy potion
A cure to behold
Made of love and pure devotion
You disappearedO! Abracadabra
It wasn’t magic
Presto! The curse was lifted
I’m free as a birdHex all you want
Your allure won’t fool me now
The illusion has been uncovered
A sleight of handO! Abracadabra
It wasn’t magic
Presto! The curse was lifted
I’m free as a birdEnchanted vice be relinquished
Wishes, spells won’t redeem me
A prophecy of light, of mystery
Yeah, only the truth will free meO! Abracadabra
It wasn’t magic
Presto! The curse was lifted
I’m free as a bird
Free as a bird
Free as a bird
Oh Valentine’s Day…
Everyone’s favorite holiday when, if you have a significant other, you are expected to lavish them with chocolate and flowers, and if you don’t, then you get to sulk about the fact that you’re alone. I think it perhaps perpetuates the fears that so many single people have about what love is, and what it means to be alone. Are we ever really alone though?
In this week’s song, Love Will Be Yours, I’m writing from the perspective of someone so afraid of love that they’ve separated themselves from it by a thousand miles and are suspended precariously looking over everything that they are missing. A voice interjects to encourage this fear laden friend to be released into the unknown.
In my own faith journey, it seems that every time I try to prepare myself for love or peace or (insert what you’re seeking here), it never goes as planned and often doesn’t quite work out at all. When I surrender, give in to the mystery, I’m always pleasantly surprised.
So, this song is a challenge this Valentine’s Day to look at love in a different way. It’s not something that we can plan or manipulate, but rather something that we must trust and fall into. And, despite what Hallmark movies tell us, it won’t always be pretty or sweet, but requires ongoing perseverance and patience even once we think we’ve obtained it. And love might not be found in someone else, in fact it might just always be found somewhere else first.
LOVE WILL BE YOURS
I was on the brink
Balancing
On just a threadLove was passing by
A thousand miles
Beneath my trembling treadYou said why are you afraid?
You said…Your fears will only rise
The more you try to hide them
Cut the string
Cut the string
And as you fall
Into the unknown
Hope will restore
And love will be yoursI was a child
Reaching for a knife
Just out of reachSuddenly I’d grown
And the world below
Had cut meYou said…
Your fears will only rise
The more you try to hide them
Cut the string
Cut the string
And as you fall
Into the unknown
Hope will restore
And love will be yoursEven if you could stay forever
Hanging from this tight rope over
Everything created for you
Why would you?Your fears will only rise
The more you try to hide them
Cut the string
Cut the string
And as you fall
Into the unknown
Hope will restore
And love will be yours
The need for silence. We are all inundated by media, noise, chaos, and words almost constantly. At some point these channels become overwhelming and the need for silence is undeniable. The problem is that when in this flood stage it might be impossible to even remember silence is the thing that’s missing.
Since moving to NYC I’ve had plenty of time to myself, but taking time for silent prayer and reflection is very different from just having alone time. Silence, while seemingly the most simple thing, requires a great deal of attention and intention to accomplish regularly. First of all, it literally won’t happen if we don’t plan for it. We have to schedule it in so that it becomes habitual and routine. Secondly, it might not work best for us where we think it will. For some it might work best in a Church while others may be more easily distracted in such a space. In their case, maybe it’s a bench in the park or a nook in their home. Wherever it is, we have to think about utilizing that location to solidify our connection to silence.
When I was in Dubuque, my “place” was always at the piano – sometimes playing it to clear my mind, and other times just at the piano bench in silence, but that place marked something sacred for me. Since moving here, the only piano I have regular access to is in my living room where the television and computer are, so it isn’t necessarily the greatest “place” for me anymore. I also love to sit in my rocking chair to reflect, but it’s also in my living room. I haven’t really found my peaceful spot here yet, which brings me to the inspiration for this week’s song.
Last week, I found myself with a friend rambling on and on and on, and I realized later that I had been word-vomiting all the things that would have been released or relieved in prayer or silence had I taken the time for it that week. We carry a lot, some things that will inevitably have to be released in conversation or therapy or prayer, and other things that perhaps can’t be released, but that can only be relieved in silence or meditation.
There is something indisputably healing in silence. Perhaps it’s God or something greater than us at work. When I was writing this song over the weekend I thought about a library as a sort of sanctuary of the scholar. I used this image as a metaphor for the mind and all that is shelved there, much that is being used, and much that isn’t or shouldn’t. When we are able to empty the shelves, we enter into the sanctuary of silence, and that’s where I want to go. Take me there.
TAKE ME THERE
Always a myriad of words
Floating round and round my brain
Volumes of triumph
And chronicles pain
Verses long and verses short
Waiting restless on my heartStrip the shelf, start anew
I’ll script this one only for you
I’ve plagiarized my final prayer
Only silence left to bear
Take me thereDeliver me from this senseless noise
No rhyme or reason
Just the the echo of my voice
O!Strip the shelf, start anew
I’ll script this one only for you
I’ve plagiarized my final prayer
Only silence left to bear
Take me thereUpon a lake, serenity
Where only stillness waits for me
Where sounds disperse and quiet rests
Peace from the chaos
Peace at lastWith only silence left to bear
Take me there
Raise your hand if you’ve ever struggled with despair? Oh, everyone…right!
I recently went through a very mild case of such despair and while it’s no fun, at least it inspired this song! I think the temptation when pulling oneself from despair is to divide and conquer. We think that we have to be either 6 feet under or on top of a mountain. If you can maintain the mountain high and not feel exhausted, good for you, but I think most of us try to hang somewhere in the middle. I’m not talking about failure vs. success, I’m talking about despair vs. joy/happiness/balance/fulfillment. But when we’re in despair sometimes we confuse what it is that will really make us better – not FEEL better – but what will actually make us better. I certainly haven’t figured it out, but I know what doesn’t work – back to the divide and conquer!
Turning one’s life upside down may be in order at some point, but abrupt change or striving to obtain the world’s treasures probably won’t last in your heart of hearts. The pain, the blame, the shame, whatever it is will still be lurking.
I think it’s important to address that we might actually be able to prevent despair in the first place. I’ve always kind of cringed when I’ve heard the phrase “guard your heart” in the past. Somehow it suggested to me a lack of willingness to dive into something or a barrier, but with age I’m realizing it is more about vigilance than about building a wall between me and everything/everyone I face.
I’ll probably say this a lot this year – you’re not in this alone – you have other people – and for many of us, faith to turn to. Don’t use God as a crutch though. He must be so sick of me waiting to come to him until the despair hits. He must be like – “Hey – I was just here waiting to hear from you all that time…could have ya’ know, helped you through this in the first place, and maybe you wouldn’t feel like poop now…just saying…” We/I need to build a lasting friendship with our faith. How much time would you hang with a friend or watch tv, can you offer that same time to whatever it is that brings you fulfillment/balance/joy/happiness?
If My Heart is Sinking
I could brave the fiercest ocean
Claim this land, proclaim my devotion
Could replace this war with peace
But that doesn’t mean a thing
If my heart is sinkingI could make millions of dollars
Gain the wisdom of all the world’s scholars
I could taste a feast made for a king
But that doesn’t mean a thing
If my heart is sinking
If I’m drowning
If my heart is sinking
If I’m drowningWaves crash, guard your heart
No time to save the shame
The blame you’ve harboredI could pray with all my might
Stay on my knees til they bleed through the night
I could hang my past out to dry
But that doesn’t mean a thing
That won’t mean a thing
No, that’s doesn’t mean anything
If my heart is sinking
Tomorrow, January 22, marks the 41st anniversary of the legalization of abortion. In our nations capital hundreds of thousands of people will gather to march for life. If you, like myself, are not able to attend, please pray or reflect from wherever you are about the beautiful gift of life ~ a gift that each of us was given. At this time every year I am devastated to see the numbers of babies that have been aborted since 1973, nearly 60 million now. There are so many statistics and debates to be seen or heard, but for the sake of this post, I only want to offer a psalm and a song.
Psalm 139 is one of my favorite psalms, and is particularly poignant as we remember the souls of the innocents – reminding us that God knew us and formed us intimately within our mothers’ wombs. So too did he know and form the millions who were never born over the last 41 years.
For all those who witness for life. For all mothers and fathers, especially those who are deceived into abortions and so often suffer their grief in silence. And for all the lost innocents.
Psalm 139: 13-18, 23a
You formed my inmost being
You knit me in my mother’s womb
I praise you because I am wonderfully made
Wonderful are your works!
My very self you knew
My bones were not hidden from you
When I was being made in secret
Fashioned in the depths of the earth
Your eyes saw me unformed
In your book all are written down
My days were shaped before one came to be
How precious to me are your designs O God
How vast the sum of them!
Were I to count them they would outnumber the sands
When I complete them still you are with me
Probe me God, know my heartMY VERY SELF YOU KNEW
Knit in my mother’s womb
Bones could not hide from you
My very self you knewWonderful your works
I will praise you, O God
Wonderful your works
I will praise you, O GodYou foresaw my ways
As my days were shaped
Your mercy, worthy of praiseWonderful your works
I will praise you, O God
Wonderful your works
I will praise you, O GodKnow my heart, O God
Know my heart, O GodKnit in my mother’s womb
Bones could not hide from you
My very self you knew
chanteur ville 